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The 110 Percent Plan

 

I am surprised astonished conservatives have not proposed a completely new tax structure, a simple, fair, simple, efficient and simple tax system with incentives. Here is how: Tax the top one percent at negative 100 percent and the next 19 percent at zero percent. The bottom 80 percent would be assessed a $30,000 flat tax or a 110 percent tax if income is below $30,000. Like the wisest men in America--football coaches--we need Americans who give 110 percent.

 

Terrific. Did I mention simplicity? Americans would not need complex tax calculations. Many Americans could file returns on special IRS post cards.

 

Yeah, yeah, but why would the bottom 80 percent bother to earn anything? Here is where part two comes in: We institute automatic debtors prisons for anyone in the bottom 80 percent who does not pay at least $20,000 in taxes. We put sadistic guards in the prisons.

 

After all, what one person earns is exactly what person created. Wealth has nothing to do with others' actions.

Some might start mumbling about luck, heredity, education, the Fed, tax policies, cultural gifts, patent law, tax subsidies, kleptocracy, blah, blah, blah. Considering all the top one percent do for everyone else, 100 percent rewards is the least we can do for them. Noted top one percent expert Aaron Spelling reports that if it were not for his deep, deep television shows, the suicide rate would be much higher. We would be living in the Stone Age. What would we do without information age celebrities and techno-populists? If it were not for Mark McGwire and Windows 98, we might be starving.

 

How would this plan provide incentives to ordinary Americans? Let's say you are currently doing something nearly worthless--working as a nurse for $34,000 a year, for example. You could keep doing that, but who wants to pay $30,000 in taxes and net $4,000? You would stop your foolish ways and do something more productive such as becoming the world's most outstanding country-reggae artist, offering "I have tears in my ears because I shot the sheriff after too many beers, but I did not shoot the deputy, too." You greatly increase your productivity and almost everyone else could, too. Everyone could become a millionaire.

 

Unlike almost all economists, I have not forgotten about children. I propose a $100,000 tax on all minors. This would reduce the birth rate to near zero and eliminate the cost of children to almost everyone. Who would provide trillions every year in future retirement benefits? Immigrants, of course.

So what if immigrants have a mean age only five years younger than other native born citizens. By increasing immigration to 80 million per year, we create enough working age individuals to provide for retirees.

 

This plan would also help other problems. Forget all the other causes. Loss of blood is the great cause of murder. With the great innovative tax incentives on the top one percent, it will not be long before artificial blood, artificial organs and robot surgeons are available on every street corner, thus cutting the murder rate more than any other public policy.

 

Other problems could also be solved. This has been proved by controlled scientific studies. When six power market economists placed in one room were compared with four other groups of six power market economists, there were no significant differences between the groups. They all agreed that almost any policy that does not maximize incomes for the rich is artificial.

 

My plan would also help the world's greatest social institution: Marriage. The bottom 80 percent would have a great incentive to marry billionaires, thereby escaping taxes. Polygamy would be legalized. Billionaires could easily marry 1,000 spouses, preserving the natural order that God first proclaimed in Origin of Specious.

 

Civilizing citizens and improving health, the non-rich would be buff and subservient to attract a rich spouse.

 

It matters little how many Americans are in debt or in debtors prison. What matters is that the number of billionaires skyrockets. America is all about the opportunity to become a billionaire after years of hard work. Colonel Sanders is an American icon. A 24-year-old working mom is not. The Colonel showed that after a lifetime of struggle anyone can increase the amount of saturated fat and bird remains in landfills.

 

Some might say the bottom 80 percent will always include 80 percent of the population. But with the creativity enhancing tax incentives, someone will invent a way for the top one percent to include more than the top one percent.

 

Article by J.T. Fournier, last updated July 26, 2009

 

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